(If you’re bored as hell, feel free to continue reading. Though this is a warning you might not find anything interesting in this text and that it might be just a waste of your time. It’s a personal entry that was written just ‘cause I’m so fired up.)
Let me talk about my life for a bit.
(I was a bit hesistant about talking in English, but the words flow through my mind freely by itselves, so let’s leave it at this.)
When I was young, I wanted to become an archaeologist. (Not to mention I wanted to become wolf in the first place, but it’s a bit off). I’m not really sure if it was after I watched „Das Jesus Video“ or even before that, but I fell in love with the idea of being in the desolate desert and discovering new things, or finding the very ancient ones. I don’t know if I said it to anyone (my best friend afterwards excepting), but my mom bought me a book „The Egypt Game“, knowing I love Egypt. Then I was open about it, I guess. But nowadays, there’s almost nothing new to discover, and it’s really troublesome to reach that profession, you know.
Then there was a stage when I didn’t care about anything but dogs, not caring about what I become, as long as I can have bunch of dogs to také care of. If anything, I’d love to become a vet. But I knew it’s impossible for me to do any other work than the one connected with dogs, not to mention that I’d just hurt them by injections or have to do euthanasia. And me becoming a doctor? Hahah. My grades were really bad back then at the elementary school. I pretty much didn’t care about them.
I actually ended up writing bunch of stories instead of studying. I was writing even during classes (and few times, the teachers took my notes and told me they have burned them just to make me anxious and never write in their classes again… I have to say it kind of worked) and now, there’s many and many stories in my computer and on my shelves. Just few of them are finished though, but I used to have a lot of fans back then. I even won few contests. I still come up with plots, but I don’t have the time to write. And it’s really making me sad, ‘cause one of my biggest dreams was to publish a book. (Now, I don’t have to say directly – „that was the stage of my life when I wanted to become a writer“, do I?) But I can put that dream aside for now, I can do that at any time of my life; that’s what I told myself. (And watch other authors slowly stealing my ideas).
The choice about what high school to go was very hard. I choose tourism because I liked to learn languages and wanted to see the world. Knowing that Krakovska (the name of my school) would be a mistake of my life… but I’ve heard there are traineeships in foreign countries like Spain, Lithuana, Italy or England, so I secretly hoped to reach one of them. And that is what actually come true. I was in London! That’s the reason why I attend this school. Yeah. And I’m not going to touch tourism services as work ever again. Never ever again. Never. (Though, working in travel agency wouldn’t be that uncomfortable. But pretty stereotyped, though.)
At the end of high school, I was absolutely lost. (I used past tense, you see?) I didn’t know what I want to do at all. I just thought about applying into college just for not having to search for a job.
And I don’t know who opened my eyes. Was it Ivy? (My classmate, she found herself a boyfriend who’s studying psychology and that’s why she want to study that too… even though (don’t tell her) she’s absolutely not suited for being a psychologist… she’s just not the type who listens to your problems, she’s the type who likes to talk about her own problems, but let’s leave that aside, she might get used to it eventually). That might be true. She showed me the path I was already walking on but with my eyes closed. She pulled out a flashlight and shone on it.
Because actually, I’ve never cared about something so much than other people. I must admit I never tell them my problems and if so, only superficially. I don’t like talking about me being in troubles. (When I think about it, I don’t like talking about me even being happy… oh, I don’t like talking about myself at all). But others speak to me about their problems really openly. They always do it themselves, spontaneously I’d say. They always find me and trust me I’d never tell anyone. They don’t have to say it out loud (the words, „don’t tell anyone,“), I’d never do so. Didn’t I say I don’t like talking about my problems? Why then talking about ones of other people to another people? If they’d want them to know, they’d tell them themselves. That’s what I think. That’s another fact about me – I don’t really like serious talks in big groups. (When having fun in groups, that’s okay, but not being serious… and I consider big group as three persons or more). I feel the best if it’s just me and the other person. Then I can sense what type of person he is and can talk with him that way. (It might be kind of mean of me and I know it’s a bad way of behavior, but I can’t help it – I always behave that way what kind of person I am with; another reason why I don’t like big groups). And… The thing that makes me the most happy is the smile of others. I feel so pathetic whenever I realize that I’m happy when I see I made someone else happy, but there’s nothing I can do with that weird habit of mine. I just want to see people happy no matter what and if it’s me who’s making them happy (even with a little things), I feel it even more.
And I wondered what kind of profession would suit me and wouldn’t bore me and wouldn’t be stereotypical. Actually, wasn’t that obvious? (Every time I had to do some homework using Wikipedia, I ended up reading about psychical diseases, phenomenons, behavior or types of people. I have pretty much mastered my knowledge about the MBTI personality system too. Gosh, it’s all just so interesting! I love to know more about people’s personalities! Can you imagine how amazing it is to just look at someone who’s doing something without thinking and exactly know what’s the person like?! It’s not that easy though, but I can feel I have even an innate sense for that… might have sound a bit egoistic though. In the end, I’m an INFJ, you know.)
So. Finally, I come to the conclusion what I want to be. A psychologist. It’ll be a difficult journey, ‘cause you know, it’s me! The one who was first in having the most bad grades in elementary school! Even now I’m the average. But it’s just ‘cause I’m so lazy-ass, always following a motto, „if I don’t have to do it, I won’t.“. In my laziness, you can consider me as Oreki Houtarou or Hikigaya Hachiman. I just don’t do things that are not necessary.
But now, I’m so fired up.
Even if there’s just a 5% chance of getting to that University, even if the high school I’m attending is worse than my elementary school (regardint to knowledge… oh how I hate this school for ruining my life), I believe I can do it in the end.
Watch me becoming a person who makes people happy as a proffesion!
(I had a strong-minded moment, so I had to put it all into words. I’m so fired up for finally realising what I really want, forgive me.)
I’m almost sure you have dreams you want to achieve too. And now, in the state I’m in, I can’t tell you that you’ll achieve them for sure, but let me say this – as long as you believe you can, as long as you try to do so, as long as you do your best, you can do anything. Anything you want, okay? If you believe in yourself, then you can be unbounded.
I’ve really got liking to one quote from Kuroko no Basket:
„You’re allowed to scream, you’re allowed to cry, you’re allowed to fall, but not to give up.“
So do me a favor and make yourself happy. (By now you should know that seeing you happy is what makes me happy too, right?)